Honestly
by Zephyr
Summary: Syd and Irina get a private heart to heart thanks to who? Jack??? This story takes a detour from "A Free Agent"


Author's Note:  Passages enclosed in *'s will indicate when dialogue has been borrowed from the show – not that the difference won't be obvious.  The rest is mine, based on the remarkable characters and previous storylines of the television series Alias, created by J.J. Abrams, owned by ABC and brought to life by a great many people who are all a great deal more talented than I.  I also want to say thanks to all the folks on ABC's Alias message board who helped keep me inspired.  This story begins in the midst of "A Free Agent," but takes a detour.

* "I'm afraid I can't endorse your resignation," Kendall told her.

"Excuse me?"  She had been expecting an argument.  This was more like a dictate, which, in retrospect, she could have anticipated from Kendall.

"Well, with the Alliance gone, we got a hell of a mess to clean up." 

"You don't need me for that."

"Well, that's opinion.  And what about Arvin Sloane, whom I would think you would have a special interest in bringing to justice?"

"Sloane," she sputtered, nearly choking one the devil's name, "is just a cog in a machine that doesn't exist anymore.  He's wanted in forty countries.  I did everything for the CIA I said I would and I'm done."

"Jack, want to jump in here?"

Sydney was wary for a moment.  Had Kendall predicted her request and somehow enlisted her father's support?  What was Dad's expression about – compliance? Reluctance?  Why did he always have to be so damn unreadable?  Didn't her father want her free of this life?  Hadn't he said as much to her before?  Finally, he began to answer her unspoken questions.

"For years I wanted nothing more than to see you live a normal life."

Relief swept over her, but vanished just as quickly with his next words.

"However, your value to the CIA is irrefutable.  So while this is ultimately your choice, I suggest that given the enormity of the two last weeks, you may not want to make life-altering decisions without a little more perspective."

"I've had two years of perspective," she snapped, feeling betrayed, "I am through letting Arvin Sloane control my life."  

"And I don't need your approval to resign," she said, turning her fury back on to Kendall, "I told you as a courtesy."

"Well then I'll pay you the courtesy of informing you that if you leave this agency you forfeit the clearance to see your mother."

"What, are you blackmailing me?"

"Civilians aren't authorized to be in this facility let alone have access to a terrorist who we can't even acknowledge is in our custody.  In or out kiddo?  You can't have it both ways."

He did _not just call me "kiddo", she thought as he turned and walked away._

"Legally he's right.  Ethically he's an ass." *

It hurt Sydney that she couldn't laugh at her father's rare display of humor, but his lack of support still stung.

"I can't live like this anymore," she blurted out, speaking more to herself than to her father.

He didn't hesitate: "Then don't."

Sydney frowned helplessly.  She couldn't tell him what it meant to her to lose contact with her mother.  She wasn't even sure she knew.  That was the problem.

"There's so much I don't know about her: who she is, what's important to her…"

"Sydney –"

Jack struggled with his words for a moment and Syd felt a lecture coming on.

"Even if she told you what you wanted to hear you'd have no way to know it was the truth."

She could tell he was holding back and was grateful for his new restraint.  

"And I have a hundred reasons to believe it would be a lie," she admitted for his benefit.  Some of the tension left his face in return.

"I still want to know what she would say," Sydney tried to explain, "Even if she'd lie, I want to know exactly what lie she'd tell…I need to."

"Well, for now, you still have your clearance."

Her frown returned.

"What?" he asked gently.

"She's videotaped every moment; everything she does, everything she says is recorded.  The CIA can verify how many times she blinked in the last two minutes."

"Yeah, there are reasons for that – "

"I know," she assured him quickly, "It's just that…being watched every second, having your every move scrutinized, would make even the most honest person behave…not entirely like themselves."

"Even if I agreed with your line of logic," he said after a moment, "Kendall is never going authorize disconnecting the cameras.  Especially when he's already inclined to use your mother to keep you here."

Sydney began nodding; knowing he was right, but soon shook her head in frustration.

"You know, this is exactly the kind of thing – " her voice broke a moment.  Jack watched her in wretched indecision as she fought the urge to pace, stepping back and then forward and then back again.  

"Why can't I just have one normal, private conversation with my own mother?"

Sydney immediately regretted asking it in front of him and, to avoid seeing his reaction, she let scanned Headquarters, as if she wanted to make sure no one noticed her outburst.  She spotted Vaughn, who ungracefully dropped his face back down to his paper work.  A smile tugged at her lips in spite of herself. 

"What if just the audio were cut?" 

She glanced back to Jack with a start.

"What?" 

"Would that be enough?" he asked.

"Um, I don't know, I– "

What was he suggesting?  She took a deep breath and considered his offer, drowning out concerns over what he was planning.

"Yeah," she answered, "it would be enough.  What did you have in mind?"

"You go to Kendall and make the request for twenty minutes alone with your mother with the cameras turned off."

"He turns me down flat," Syd interjected, not looking forward to the first part of the plan.  Jack gave her a brief, but sympathetic nod.

"Then you tell him you quit, lay it on thick that you're finished with the Agency for good, which shouldn't be too much of a stretch. A minute later, I'll approach him with the following argument: If he wants you to stay, then facilitating a final meeting with your mother is his best move.  Whether Irina turned herself in to the CIA because she wants to reconcile your relationship or because she wants to manipulate you for her own purposes, she has nothing to gain and everything to lose by your quitting the CIA.  Therefore, when you go to speak with her about your decision to leave, she will use every possible maneuver to change your mind."  

"But Kendall will still be inclined to resist," she began, picking up the rest of his plan, "So you'll negotiate with him to just cut the audio and leave the video.  Will he really go for it?"

"He won't give you twenty minutes, but I think he will.  I'll get you as much time as I can."

She smiled at him and one of their usual silences followed.  She had downgraded them in her mind from "awkward" to "hesitant".  She was about to break it with carefully chosen words of thanks, when he spoke first.

"Personally, I don't think it will be worth the effort for what you'll get out of her," Jack commented, "But I'll enjoy screwing with Kendall for you."

This time Sydney grinned easily and he returned a faint smile.

"Dad," she asked, "do you really think she'll be able to talk me out of it?"

"Honestly, I don't think she'll even try.  My guess is her strategy will be to argue without arguing."

Her eyes narrowed.

"That doesn't answer my question," she smiled, "Do you think it will work?"

He just looked at her for a moment, unreadable as ever.

"I hope so.  Go see Kendall.  I'll be there in a minute."

He stalked off quickly, leaving her next question stuck in her throat.

Kendall looked at his watch.  When he raised his gaze back up she furrowed her brow in question.

"Just checking.  It's March first, not April first, Agent Bristow, so what the hell are you thinking?"

"I was thinking you might want to try being a decent human being – just for kicks."

"Excuse me – "

"Excuse me!" she came close to shouting, "But I am sick of being manipulated.  I had my fill of that working for SD-6.  So this blackmail crap your pulling with my clearance to see my mother won't work.  I'm out.  

"Silly me for thinking you might want to thank me for all the sacrifices I've made for this Agency.  But I guess one private conversation with my own mother is too much to ask.  She's _locked up in a maximum security cell, for Christ's sake.  I'm asking you to turn off the cameras for twenty minutes, not open the doors."_

"Agent Bristow –"

"Forget it, Director, you can take my clearance and shove it up your ass.  I'm done."

From where Jack stood neither his view of Sydney nor of Kendall was very good.  But he could see Vaughn quite well, leaning over a desk only a few yards away from the fireworks.  His "oh shit" expression told him all he needed to know about Sydney's performance.  When she stormed out, Vaughn hurried after her, and Jack moved in for the kill.

            "How can you be so sure Derevko wouldn't be glad to have one of our best agents out of the way?  Or if she's sincere, to have her daughter out of harm's way?" Kendall asked.

            "Then we're no worse off than we are now," Jack argued, "Clearly, Sydney has made up her mind about leaving."

            "In that case, I think it's you should give it another try."

            "Why?  So the CIA can lose an agent _and I can lose a daughter?" Jack paused, inwardly reproaching himself for an unnecessary personal argument._

"I already gave it my best," he told Kendall, "We're out of options."

            Kendall eyed him, suspiciously, Jack thought.

"Okay then, she can have two minutes."

            "With all due respect," Jack said in a tone that implied he felt very little respect was due, "Two minutes won't be sufficient –"

            "It won't?" Kendall interrupted, "You're the one who keeps reminding me what a master of deception your ex-wife is.  Well, then she can convince her daughter to stay inside of two minutes.  Or is your problem that two minutes isn't sufficient for _Sydney_?  I'm not going to accommodate a final farewell, Jack."

            "That's all two minutes will allow – a farewell.  Give her – give Irina ten minutes, at least."

            There was a hint of a smile on his Kendall's face.  He had called Jack's bluff.  Even though his strategy would not have changed, could not have changed, Jack was annoyed at himself for underestimating an opponent.  

            "Okay, she's got ten minutes."

            Jack glanced at the director sharply.  That shouldn't have worked, he thought.  Kendall continued:

            "I'll cut the audio for ten minutes, provided that you place yourself down the hall – without Sydney's knowledge – with an enhanced audio recorder to both listen and record their conversation –"

            "No deal –"

            "Hear me out," Kendall insisted, "I don't want the tape – you can keep it, destroy it, whatever – if there's nothing of the CIA's business on it.  But what I don't want, Jack, is to miss even the smallest bit of intel we can squeeze from this woman.  Do you?"

            "Sydney's not going to withhold that kind of information," Jack protested.

            "I want it recorded.  And honestly, I'm not so sure that there wouldn't be circumstances under which she'd withhold something.  She's certainly not feeling particularly loyal right now, is she?"

            Jack paused, debating whether or not to educate Kendall as to where exactly Sydney's disloyalty lay.

            "What it comes down to is this, Jack: I trust you to recognize the difference between what is private between mother and daughter and what is vital information to the CIA.  In this case, I don't trust Sydney to do the same.  Besides, this way she doesn't have to lie to her mother."

            "Since when do you care about Sydney's relationship with her mother?"

            "I don't.  But she does, which will both make it unappealing and difficult for her to lie to her.  The whole point of cutting the audio, for Sydney, is to promote honesty between them.  So neither alerting her to your presence, nor requiring her to record her mother herself makes any sense."

            Jack paused, leaving Kendall a stony expression to stare at while he considered his options.  How many more deceptions could Sydney forgive him for?  If she found out…it could easily be the last nail in the coffin of their relationship.  On the other hand, there was another impending threat to their relationship, which her time with Irina, ironically, could avert.  He could go behind Kendall's back and tell Sydney of his terms, but Kendall was right, that would defeat Sydney's whole purpose.  What would she want him to do if she knew?

            "I guess two minutes will have to do, then."

            Kendall shook his head.

            "I'm sorry, but that offer has been withdrawn, it's ten minutes my way, or not at all."

            Which was what he intended all along, Jack thought.  

            "Come on, Jack," Kendall pressed, when Jack didn't answer, "It's not like you've never deceived your daughter before."

            Kendall had thought he'd be able to meet Agent Bristow's gaze unapologetically, but soon found himself lamely looking somewhere over Jack's shoulder.  It seemed like an eternity under his piercing glare before Jack broke the silence.

            "Just be sure there won't be any footage of me in the hallway," he finally growled.

            Kendall nodded solemnly.

            "No problem.  I'll call Sydney and schedule her ten minutes for an hour from now."

            But Jack was already yards away.

* "Congratulations.  Your father told me about your success."

Sydney tried to smile, to think of something to say, but her mind was racing with questions, trying to order them by importance.

"What about your associates at SD-6?  You had friends there, yes?"

"I haven't seen them yet.  I mean, they're still being debriefed," Sydney replied, "I'm sorry that I haven't been to see you in a while."

Sorry that I didn't spend more time trying to get to know you while I could, she added in her thoughts.

"Well, I understand.  I'm sure this has been overwhelming for you."

            Has been?  Would her life ever cease to be overwhelming?

"I graduate today," she found herself saying, wondering afterwards why she couldn't get to the point.

"I know."

How did she know? Sydney wondered.  Surely Dad wouldn't have seen fit to tell her.  He had been upset with her for merely revealing her accomplishment as a turkey to her mother – 

"I would think you would be more relieved with SD-6 and the Alliance gone."

            This was it, Sydney thought.  This was her opening.

"I'm thinking of leaving the CIA, which would mean giving up my clearance to see you."

"You're too forgiving, Sydney.  Don't pretend I'm something I'm not.  I've never been a real mother to you and you don't owe me a second chance.  If you make this decision about me, you're a fool.  In fact, if you decide to stay, I won't agree to see you anymore." * 

            Won't agree to see me?  How could that be a ploy?  Certainly, Mom wouldn't resort to mere reverse psychology, would she?  Wrong questions, Syd reminded herself.  Get to the ones you came for before you run out of time.

"If this is the last time –" Sydney cut herself off, feeling the tears rising up.  She checked her watch as she waited for the wave of emotion pass, then continued "You told me once that truth takes time.  Well, I've only got nine minutes left.  It's a long story, but Dad and I got Kendall to give me ten minutes with you – the cameras are on, but the audio has been cut.  There are things I need to know.  Will you tell me – honestly?"

Irina hesitated.

 "If you answer one question of mine honestly first."

Down the hall, Jack held his breath.  It was a test to make certain the CIA wasn't listening.  But he didn't know what form the test would take, and he hated not knowing.

"If I can."

"Are you and Agent Vaughn…involved?"

Jack relaxed.  No threat to national security, but Sydney would certainly think twice before answering if she knew the CIA was listening…probably three or four times if she knew he was listening.

"Yes," she said after a moment, but without wavering.

Irina smiled, "Good.  Your turn."

"Do you have any remorse for killing those agents twenty years ago?"

Her mother blinked and took a deep breath before answering.

"Yes.  A great deal, in fact."

"What about the men – your own men – who you ordered Sark to infect for study just before turning yourself in?"

"Sydney, I – "

"Do you enjoy being ruthless?" Sydney couldn't stop herself, "Do you relish murder and betrayal?  Because you're awfully good at it."

Derevko's brow furrowed, her mouth was tight, as if holding in her first response.

"I enjoy winning, Sydney, and cruelty has its rewards.  But I am not proud, or even comfortable, with what I have become." 

"What game is it that you're trying to win?"

"I think you know by now."

"What, the Rambaldi scavenger hunt?" 

Irina began her nod before she found her voice.

"Yes."

Sydney looked away from her mother sharply, but not fast enough to hide the fury in her eyes.

"You mentioned your mother gave you the pair of earrings we asked for," Sydney began again, once composed, "Did she like scavenger hunts, too?"

"No.  She liked chess."

"She taught you to play?"

"Yes."

"You played a lot?"  

The anger was building again, and Sydney knew she needed to calm down, to ask while she could, not to accuse.  But then she thought maybe she needed this as much as she needed answers, a chance to let out all the rage and betrayal she felt upon the person who caused it.  Then maybe she would be able to move on with her life.

"Yes."

"You were close?"

"Very close," Irina admitted.

"That must have been nice.  What about the rest of your family?"

"My father left us when I was nine or ten.  From then on, it was just my mother and I.  I barely knew him.  He was a cold man, distant."

"I know the type," Syd quipped.

"No, you don't.  I'm sorry you don't remember the type Jack was before," her mother paused as if remembering, a smile playing on her lips, "That's my fault.  But distant or not, your father stayed."

Sydney's heart ached.  She did remember how her father was, in hazy bits and pieces, like the camping trip when she broke her leg.  He was the strongest man in the world back then.  Now he was too strong.  Too strong to let his daughter in, his only weakness.  Well, one of two perhaps, and she yearned to ask his other weakness about the man he used to be.  But she was not done hurting.

"If you call non-stop 'business trips' staying."

"He did the best he could."

"Like you?  Was abandoning me the best you could do?"

"As a KGB agent, who married a CIA operative under false pretences, yes, leaving was the best thing I could do as your mother."

"No, the best thing you could have done for me was to come clean, to turn yourself in thirty years ago."

"I had nothing to bargain with then – they would have given me the death penalty."

"You would have gotten what you deserved!"

"Forgive me for not being strong enough to die for my mistakes thirty years ago, Sydney," Irina shot back, "I'm here now.  This is my best, being here, now, for you."

"You would have died for your country thirty years ago, wouldn't you?"

Irina's brow tightened.

"But not for your daughter."

"If you wanted me to die," Irina said after a moment, "you wouldn't have revealed your father's sabotage to save me from execution."

"I didn't reveal anything.  He confessed to it himself."

"Well, even if that's true, he didn't confess for my sake."

Suddenly, her father's confrontation with her on the plane came flooding back to Sydney:  * "So why do you imagine she pled guilty?  Because she was struck by a crisis of conscience?" *

            "Why did you plead guilty?"

            "It would have been pointless not to."

            "And what was the point of pleading guilty?" Sydney persisted.

            "To not relive it.  To not sit there listening to testimony, seeing and hearing the evidence of my crimes and knowing that somewhere you were seeing and hearing it all as well.  Perhaps it was futile – you already knew what I'd done – but I couldn't bare the thought of you hating me any more than you already did."

            Sydney didn't know what to do with that.

 "Your mother," she tried backtracking, "she's dead now?"

"Yes, your grandmother died two years after I began working for the KGB."

"How?"

"Cancer."

Emily, Sydney thought.  Gazing down at her hands, Sydney realized she had been fidgeting with her wristwatch.  She took the hint from her subconscious and returned to her original mental list of questions – no more improvising.

"How do you feel about Dad?" Syd asked. 

In the hallway, Jack's left thumb hovered over the volume control, his right tugged gently at his earpiece, but did not pull it out.  When she took so long to reply, he pressed his earpiece in and rolled the volume dial forward a single notch.

"What do you mean?"

Syd would have rolled her eyes if she could spare the time.

"Do you hate him?  Are you indifferent towards him?  Is he just that pathetic American you duped – ?"

"No," Irina interrupted her softly, "Not at all…I respect your father a great deal."

"You called him a fool in your debrief."

"You saw that?"

"Yeah."

"Did – " Irina cleared her throat and started over, "I called him a fool because it was what my superiors wanted to hear.  I was overcompensating for…my regret…"

Sydney raised an eyebrow, an expression Irina knew well from Jack's face.

"Regret?"

"At having to leave my daughter behind."

"What, you would have taken me with you?"

"God no!" she blurted out, her Russian accent thickened for a moment, "I wanted you with me – I wanted to be with you – but Sydney, even if it were possible, to uproot you like that, to raise you as a single parent and as an active field agent…"

"I was going to be raised by a single, active field agent anyway."

"Yes, but I couldn't…"

"Couldn't what?" her daughter's voice raised, "Couldn't love me enough to set aside your career, or your obsession with Rambaldi – ?"

"No," Irina looked her daughter in the eyes as she shook her head fervently that that wasn't what she had been about to say, "I couldn't – "

There was a sudden terror in her eyes as her mouth snapped shut and then suddenly Irina had turned her back on her daughter.

"You couldn't what?" Sydney demanded softly, "Turn around and tell me!"

Irina remained as she was, without a word.

"You promised me," Syd said, her voice almost a growl, "I haven't much time and a lot more questions left."

"You were better off with your father."

She turned back around.

"And that's the end of it.  If there are other things you want to know, you'd better ask them."

Sydney glanced at her watch, suppressing the urge to argue.  She swallowed hard.

"Please tell me," she began, "that my conception was not ordered by the KGB, that I wasn't a maneuver to facilitate your cover."

"No – Sydney… that was part of why I had to be so overtly disparaging of your father, to counterbalance doubts my pregnancy caused about my loyalty."

"I suppose being an accident is better than being a KGB order," Sydney muttered.  Irina immediately cut her off before she could push on to her next question:

"You are neither of those things," her voice rose heatedly, "You are Sydney Anne Bristow, strong and self-made.  The circumstances through which you entered this world do not define you.  Never believe that."

Tears were brimming in Irina's eyes.  Sydney couldn't forestall the rush of grief that her mother evoked in her.  Soon tears were running down both women's cheeks.

"Did part of you ever…"

While Sydney was searching for the words, her watch began to beep.  She glanced first up at one of the cameras, and then back to her mother.  But Irina's head was bowed again.  She knew what the tiny alarm meant.

So did Jack, who stopped his tape, but a final question from Sydney stalled him shutting off the microphone.

"Is there anything else you want to ask me?" Sydney asked.

Before looking up, Irina lifted a hand and wiped each eye.  She cleared her throat and gazed seriously at her daughter.

"A favor actually."

"I think I'm beyond out of favors with Kendall –"

"Kendall doesn't have anything to do with it.  It's something only you can do for me."

Sydney hesitated.

"What?"

Both Sydney and Jack wondered if Irina was about request Sydney's forgiveness.  And both wondered if Sydney would give it.

"Be happy."

Author's note:  I think this story may have farther to go, but it's been slow going past this point and I was just itching to get some feedback.  So please review!  Hopefully, I'll have another chapter to add on.  Unless you hate it, and then hopefully not.


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